A Long December

New Years for me has been a time of loneliness.

Why I've never even had a New Years kiss, I'm usually that one person sitting on the outside of the crowd watching everyone excitedly countdown. Oh, I'll smile for the sake of smiling and welcoming in the new year, but it's always a little tougher when in a crowd of jubilant people, you know you're alone.

Reminds me of my past New Years. Last year I was a door man at a bar, so basically spent my time letting people into one big party, yup the epitome of being on the outskirts alone. The year before I was working as a waiter at a restaurant and everyone was rushing to get out of work to attend their New Years party. Now since I didn't have any plans myself, I basically just told everyone to go (including the kitchen staff) and I would close up the restaurant, front and back.

One of the waitresses stayed behind because she had friends who met her at the restaurant, so basically I cleaned up and watched her, and her group of friends enjoy themselves until about eleven or so when they would continue their New Years elsewhere.

Thinking back, I felt pretty alone but didn't really give too much thought about it. I had to clean up the kitchen, so it kept me busy, though it didn't stop me from thinking about being the one watching from behind the walls, seeing yet another miserable New Years unfolding. I actually finished my shift by 11:45 PM.

So basically when I got home (I'm not going anywhere alone on New Years) it was five minutes to midnight, I had helped myself to a beer from the restaurant because I had to celebrate some how. At home, I found my brother passed out on the couch with his very bored looking girlfriend. My brother of all people has a penchant for passing out easily, I swear he's the oldest of the three of us sometimes. I said “hey” and proceeded to wake him up, so he could at least witness the countdown.

It came and went, and there I was with my beer in the kitchen and my brother and his girlfriend celebrating quietly on the couch.

I can't say much has changed. Like every New Years I'm always wishing I was somewhere else. Truth be told I knew exactly where I wanted to be, but it wasn't happening. No it wasn't somewhere exotic, filled with people anxiously awaiting the countdown.

All I wanted to be was wherever she was. Hell I've been all over the world and the only place I wanted to be on the planet was next to her... Then again it's a holiday that never works out for me, and I doubt ever will, it's something I can live with...I guess...

Now this isn't the last New Years before I'm 30, so I'm hoping things will work out differently for once or I just might have to revert back to my traditions of counting down to the clock alone in my room as “A Long December” by the Counting Crows plays. Pretty sad I know, but that's my New Years.

That's my life.