Anywhere But Here (Part 1)

‎'oh a girl like that scares me,' I said. 'I'd give up everything and throw myself at her mercy and if she didn't want me I'd just as simply go and throw myself off the edge of the world.' 

On The Road - Jack Kerouac

I can't really go forward without looking back at 2010. You can easily separate it into two halves, the latter half finding me with a new job. The first with me running around the globe in search of something, anything really.

Between January and May I saw as much of the world as I could, stopping in England, China, Malaysia, Cambodia, Australia, New Zealand and California. However the seeds of my travels were planted on a warm September afternoon in 2009.

After spending an afternoon with this beautiful girl that I have feelings for, I decided that today was the day that I told her, after missing one chance after another. Yes I'm really that bad, and scared at admitting my feelings. I honestly can't remember how long I'd been putting it off, but here it was... TODAY WAS THE DAY. Today was the day I would tell her and probably be let down (I'd already decided on the outcome in my head.) Regardless of what I thought would happen, I'd have to say something or explode.

I walked her to her car as I tended to do, now my heart was racing and I felt flush, as I swear I my color was red from the head down. All I could feel was my hand shaking, and stuttering in my own head (It was that bad) all the while she was tossing her bag in her car. Most of the time when we just hug, I'd turn around and shake my head, missing another chance to say anything.

Well this time, it was starting to look like I was going to chicken out like usual but as she was about to get in her car and the scene broke down like this...

Me: (Absolutely nervous) Wait...um...uh...there's something I have to tell you...

Her: (Reading my mind) ...um...yeah...

I'd lean back against the car behind me, staring at the ground, then at the air. Still stuttering I look back at her and try to come out with something, anything.

Me: (Fumbling badly) ...Look I... sorry, I'm just a total guy and, and can't talk about my feelings.

I can sense I'm falling fast here and pretty much figured how this is going to end.

Me: Look I like you...

Her: (Apologetic) awww... I already know. I like you, just not that way...

DENIED! Yep it was all downhill from the very start. What can I say I totally screwed this one up. From there she would come in and we'd end with an awkward hug, but I wasn't done yet. I had to cover up and show things were ok.

Me: ...thaaaat's cooool (Shifty eyed) I didn't want to screw up our friendship, but...

I mumbled some jibberish after that. In the end it still ended up the same, me walking away shaking my head and calling myself an “idiot”. What can I say, this girl has been my kryptonite for a couple years now.

That my friends is where the root took soil, after that I was pretty much miserable. I became more detached and uninterested in my job. I was serving in an Asian restaurant at the time, which is famous for being on a makeover show on the Food Network, and Home and Garden.

Basically life sucked, granted she is one of my favourite friends and ranks pretty high on any personal list I have. Here I was alone, sooo “in love” with a girl that didn't think of me in that way and going nowhere in my life. Every day since that afternoon my misery was building up to an unbearable amount and I just wanted out.

I needed a vacation from life and myself, at the time I was also training as an amateur fighter so an idea popped in my head to go to Thailand and train for a few months. Go out there, get my butt kicked and revel in the pain of Muay Thai (Why I fight is a blog for another day). Slowly that evolved into a trip from England all the way around the world until I decided to come back home again.

Slowly the rest of 2009 passed, and January would arrive. I would work as a doorman at a bar for New Years, meanwhile the girl who helped push me to the edge of insanity and the world would be at a friend's friend's party. Of course that would be the first New Years that I just wanted to be wherever she was.

I also decided to forego my early January birthday, and just save it for a big going away party, that I turned into a kegger, no not one of those full blown frat keggers. Just forty or so people, with a couple kegs and a night to say goodbye. It is and will always be one of my favourite parties and not because it was dedicated to me, but I could have not wanted to be anywhere else in the world then with all my friends and family, that and one of my favourite pictures is from that night. You guessed it, one of me and her, and you could probably sense the awkwardness in that picture.

Sadly all good times have to come to an end, and a few days later I would be gone.

My last night before I left on my trip, I spent the evening with her doing what we usually do. Watching movies, on that particular night it was Wristcutters and Say Anything. If you've seen both then you would know my particular mood and feelings that night, and basically any time she's around. The best way I can sum up everything is with this one quote from Say Anything...

“She gave me a pen. I gave her my heart, she gave me a pen.” - Lloyd Dobler

It's a coincidence that Say Anything is one of my favourite movies, and both I and John Cusack's character are kickboxers.

Over the previous few days I wrote down everything I felt about my Juliette, that I couldn't say to her on that pitiful September afternoon. Where this quote comes full circle is, for christmas she gave me a journal and pen for my trip around the world. Truth be told I already given her my heart, she just doesn't know it.

She gave me a pen... and a journal.

That small book is one of the best presents I ever received. She just happened to be one of the only people who know I write, and on my trip it saved me from a lot of loneliness. I filled it up until the last five pages, I wanted to...and still am saving it for some kind of happy ending.

I walked her to her car that cold January night, gave her everything I have ever meant to say, and looked her in the eyes and told her I still liked her. Of course she replied back apologetically, “aww, I feel bad.” I told her not to, we are what we are...

The next day I ran away, because all I know is how to run away from my feelings. Because of those feelings I wanted to be anywhere but here...