Good Enough

I can't keep up with kids anymore...

Last night at my friends 30th birthday party I was surrounded by kids as far as the eye can see, well so it seemed. Everyone of them tugging at me and begging to lift them up and spin around, other than getting myself dizzy there wasn't much being accomplished then making them laugh and what more is there?

I also spent a good portion of time holding my friend's four month old baby. It's a little unnerving holding someone that small, but I'm reminded that when it comes time I'll be ready to hold my own. One of the scariest things for me is to hold a baby when they're so small and fragile, it's from years of being a klutz but I've yet to drop a baby, I highly doubt it'll happen but my fear stems from my over protective nature.

I'd do anything to protect my friends, family and child regardless of who's baby.

Though times like those makes me wonder when I'll find someone and settle down with, and have a couple kids. Then I remember that's it's not too likely to happen, after all if there's a bigger fear that I have then dropping babies or anything else in this life it's finding myself acceptable enough for someone else.

It's true I lack confidence, charm and the social skill set to land myself anyone. It always goes back to me never feeling good enough to be with anyone else, and really I can't believe anyone if they say I am. Honestly 29 years and only one girlfriend aren't really good signs.

Most of the time I just stop myself before it could even start. I'll see a cute girl not that far from me, I'll glance for a second then turn my head and just remind myself you're not good enough. There's nothing that makes you acceptable. I know it's not the best attitude, but it keeps me from being someone's failure and failing them time and time again.

Now it's so bad I don't think I can even offer any kind of adequate intimacy.

So I guess for now the thoughts of kids is far off.

Heck even the thought of winning a girl over, just to be something more than friends is a distant impossibility...