When the world abandons you

It's been really hard to want to write these past days.

I'm sad, lonely and as isolated as I've felt in a long time.

I've gotten to the point where I feel completely abandoned by the world and everyone that I call friend or hold dear to me. I haven't really heard from anyone in a while, then again it's my own damn fault. It's always been this way, the more I'm abandoned by the outside world the more walls I build to keep more people out.

Why get your hopes up that you'll have anyone around you when all they do is abandon and forget about you.

It's not their fault.

I remember growing up I'd have more outgoing friends, but when it was time to get out there and do things I just never felt like it, ok that's a lie. I'm just afraid of being out there I guess.

I don't know if this feeling can get any worse.

A girl tells she's sorry she doesn't love you back...

There's no one around when you need them most...

What else is left?

You're alone.

The Weekend

It's pretty easy to fall behind with your thoughts, especially when you know one overpowers and encompasses your mine above all else.

I've just done my best to find more things to do so I don't have to think.

So Anderson Silva knocked out Vitor Belfort and the Packers knocked off the Steelers this Superbowl weekend.

I enjoyed being out at the bars with everyone watching the UFC fights, it really took my mind away from everything and I will admit the beers helped a little.

It's been a long time since I really had any steady training, but I also got back into the swing of things leading the first of many Sunday training sessions for some clients of mine. For me martial arts is just about having fun and passing on the knowledge, there's no need to keep it a secret or force people to shell out a lot of money for club fees.

If people are willing to learn, I'm willing to teach.

Don't get me wrong, I will travel half way around the world and put my hard earned cash down for the best training possible, but I'm not anywhere near being a master at any of the arts to force anyone to pay for what little knowledge I have.

All I really want out of it is steady training partners, friends and fun. Which I am more than happy to say I have plenty of.

Happy Birthday Dad.

Today just happens to be my dad's 51st Birthday.

We had a nice dinner, it was good because last year I missed his 50th when I was galavanting around the world.

So happy birthday dad!

Duckie...Duck...

Duckie played by Jon Cryer.

If there was any character in a movie that would be equivalent to me this would be it. Duckie is the oddball (best) friend who is in love with said best friend, in this case Molly Ringwald.

Most people would describe is as out there, or weird and I always find myself in the role of a friend longing for that girl that I can only joke about being with, or unable to say anything at all. There's not much more to say about it... I am the real life Duckie.

Well you could say I'm Duck Dong, but really I'm far from the stereotypical asian... I still wonder why he named the nerdy guys in sixteen candles after a mallard?

My Greatest Skill

I'm learning more and more each day my greatest skill is the ability to isolate myself from everyone else, and to build walls so high no one can look in and see me.

It's just who I am, I can't be changed.

Moments

My favourite moments are the simplest.

There was once a girl I went with, it was an early spring morning and we had spent the night together at her friends cottage.

She had to drive into a city up north to go to work. She was all dressed up and stepped close to me, ready to kiss me goodbye and I pulled her into me and we fell back into bed and I held her there, in silence and a soft embrace.

I didn't want to let her go.

There was another girl that I wish I could make mine.

She sat there in the mall waiting for me, I slowly snuck up behind her and took my place next to her. I slid in closer as she turns to me, and then she leaned in and we embraced. My head falling softly into the side of her face and I took in her sweet smell.

I didn't want her to let me go.

Weight on my back

Over the course of three months I had something on my back.

It was the biggest thing I could carry and it was strapped to my backpack, so I could feel the weight swing left to right with every step. Along the way it became annoying, but it would be too expensive to send home.

I'm not sure what possess me to buy the wooden lion sculpture when I knew I couldn't really carry a whole lot.

I guess I like the courage a lion represents, even though I'm still trying to find mine. It's a symbol of strength and I guess I needed something to push me forward with every mile I travelled. When I stare up at that lion all I can think of are the thousand of miles that disappeared behind me, the sun, the rain and everything else the world could throw at me.

I stayed strong, even if I was weak.

Before I left

I'm still lost on that day. A boy trying his best to tell a girl how he feels, but all I remember is my throat closing up, no air and an inability to get those words out that I wanted to say. Even in all my silence and my awkwardness you knew...

But I still said nothing, I always believed you deserved to hear everything everything I have ever meant to say.

I don't know when I knew.

I just did.

Though I'll never forget the first time I saw you. You walked into class, and the moment froze. All the girls I had known before you paled in comparison. You were the girl I was chasing that never existed, maybe never will.

Even if I don't know where I am when I wake up out there, i'll know exactly how I feel and how I've felt for so long now.

Remember,

I'd give up the world for you.

Raptors Game

So today I found myself at the Toronto Raptors game.

Let's just say it was a sparse and quiet crowd, the team is bad this year and they played pretty flat after the 76ers exposed their zone defense.

I was hoping it would get me out of my slump... no such luck and my slump is much worse than the one currently plaguing the Raptors.

76ers 107 - Raptors 94

They couldn't even pull off 100 points, to give us that suffered through the game a free slice of pizza. It would have made up for the slice that I dropped on my way to our seats.

Until I Find You

"The desire to never leave your side, the desire to never see you again. The desire to see your face asleep on the pillow beside my face and to see your eyes open in the morning when I lie next to you—just watching you, waiting for you to wake up." 

Until I Find You - John Irving

Nice B&W Photos

Five Things

Five Things I Strive For

1. To Be Loved

2. Treat everyone the way they should be treated

3. Never hate

4. Never hurt

5. Never show weakness

Deep Inside

I wonder what it's like for someone to want you... or need you...

I know I spend too much time alone.

I know I spend too many hours sad and lonely.

It's just something I can't avoid and will probably never be able to shake, only because I'm only ever able to feel a certain way once in a while. It's such a very rare feeling that I allow to take me over, to let any one person to hurt me at a level no one else could ever reach.

It's so much easier to leave the world behind, throw yourself into a canyon four hundred feet below or to have your face pummelled in a ring to deal with a real pain.

Once day I'd love to feel something different then pathetic, alone and worthless.

Is it so much to ask to get beyond these feelings and maybe have something returned.

Am I really not good enough?

What I know

"Once for all; I knew to my sorrow, often and often, if not always, that I loved her against reason, against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness, against all discouragement that could be. Once for all; I loved her none the less because I knew it, and it had no more influence in restraining me, than if I had devoutly believed her to be human perfection." 

                                                                                Great Expectations, Charles Dickens

Book Review #1

The Year She Left by Kerry Kelly is a story about underachieving Stuart Lewis who has just been left by his girlfriend and finds himself moving back in with his mother.

I really enjoyed the book because I could relate to the characters and situation being an underachieving slacker myself. There are some good comedic moments in the book and ones that can show off how cold trying to find love can be as well.

Imagine you're Stuart coming home to a dear John letter only to have your fiancee watching you just to see your reaction to the situation. You can bet he didn't take that too well, of course when you're life continues to nose dive things can only go right for your ex.

There's a good amount of balance between the comedy, drama and makes for a quick entertaining read. Definitely a recommendation from me.

Sushi

I don't hate fish. I dislike it though.

Today I went out with my friend Kristi who I haven't seen in a while. She's to go back to England for the fourth time in the last year. One year ago she left with me for England, and for her it turned out to be everything that she thought it would be and now has a grand love affair with England.

She suggested sushi. Now I don't eat a whole lot, but I've been known to grab some sushi alternatives at the sushi bar, however today I buckled down and sample things beyond my usual fare. I had actual sushi, everything from salmon to soft shell crab and octopus.

The worst of the bunch was the soft shell crab, the taste did not agree with me and I did gag a little.

Overall Sushi tonight left me full, but sort of unsatisfied since I wasn't really into it. Though I got some ice cream and carrot cake to take care of the unpleasant flavours. I won't turn sushi down, but I won't be the first to jump in line for it either.

It's a funny place to be in, an Asian that doesn't like fish. It's been that way since I was a kid, although when I was really young I ate it. Not sure what happened in that span, maybe it's just that fishy taste. The thing that really bothers me is the seaweed they wrap it in, some of the most distinct and strong flavours of any food.

I might sound picky here, but I really tried to expand my taste buds further tonight, whether you want to call it a success or not.

All I know is I survived my battle with sushi.

Worth Fighting For

I'm out of shape.

It's been quite some time since I really put any time and effort into working out or training martial arts like I use to, but I'm getting back on the horse now and starting to feel better physically. I'd say I'm one of the lucky ones because I never really fall out of shape for long.

Though three days in and I really feel the fatigue setting in, today I spent most of the day bed ridden and passed out.

I doubt I'm going to commit a full eight hours or more to exercising or training like the past couple years, but if it strikes me maybe I will build up to it and come out of retirement and take a fight. People don't realize how much easier that fight is than the one we battle every day in our lives.

People tell me that they couldn't do it, or would be too afraid. I think what we deal with every day is tougher then throwing fists into someone's face. Once you're in there, there's no other option. Throw a punch or get hit in the face. Every day life you have the option to not follow through or do anything. I see it all the time, a tough situation comes up and people just back down from it and ignore it.

Then again fighting in a ring or cage is a lot like life, once you're backed into that corner you either fight through it or just give up.

The worse thing you can do is give up the fight, some things... some people are worth fighting for...

Next In Line?

From turning 30 to engaged. Talk about a whirlwind 24 hours for my friend Sammy.

He would technically be the second of the boys who grew up together to get married. I wish him luck, and we'll see when they set the date.

Of course that will mean more eyes will be on me to find someone and get married myself. When I was visiting my family halfway around the world it was a constant for them to bring up when I was going to get married or find a sweetheart.

Well it's not easy for me, being as picky as I am. Ok that's not true, if I can get over myself an inability with women it'd be easier. It's always been expected of me to be the first one hitched with kids, once again I'm compared to other members in my extended family who already have two or three kids.

My brother has always claimed I would be married as soon as I found someone.

Isn't that true of anyone? If you find that one person you think is your future and your life then of course you're going to take that next step and celebrate your love, relationship and life together.

I don't doubt when I find that girl I won't waste too much time getting down on one knee, and then we'll have some kids running around. I'd love to had kids soon, and let my parents enjoy time with their grandkids but it doesn't seem to be in the near future... yet anyways...

So I'll keep waiting, and I know she'll be there...

Good Enough

I can't keep up with kids anymore...

Last night at my friends 30th birthday party I was surrounded by kids as far as the eye can see, well so it seemed. Everyone of them tugging at me and begging to lift them up and spin around, other than getting myself dizzy there wasn't much being accomplished then making them laugh and what more is there?

I also spent a good portion of time holding my friend's four month old baby. It's a little unnerving holding someone that small, but I'm reminded that when it comes time I'll be ready to hold my own. One of the scariest things for me is to hold a baby when they're so small and fragile, it's from years of being a klutz but I've yet to drop a baby, I highly doubt it'll happen but my fear stems from my over protective nature.

I'd do anything to protect my friends, family and child regardless of who's baby.

Though times like those makes me wonder when I'll find someone and settle down with, and have a couple kids. Then I remember that's it's not too likely to happen, after all if there's a bigger fear that I have then dropping babies or anything else in this life it's finding myself acceptable enough for someone else.

It's true I lack confidence, charm and the social skill set to land myself anyone. It always goes back to me never feeling good enough to be with anyone else, and really I can't believe anyone if they say I am. Honestly 29 years and only one girlfriend aren't really good signs.

Most of the time I just stop myself before it could even start. I'll see a cute girl not that far from me, I'll glance for a second then turn my head and just remind myself you're not good enough. There's nothing that makes you acceptable. I know it's not the best attitude, but it keeps me from being someone's failure and failing them time and time again.

Now it's so bad I don't think I can even offer any kind of adequate intimacy.

So I guess for now the thoughts of kids is far off.

Heck even the thought of winning a girl over, just to be something more than friends is a distant impossibility...

Five Road Films To See

My heart belongs on the road, I consider myself a free bird and hate to be cooped up for too long. I love going for long drives and just experiencing what's out there, so without a doubt one of my favourite genre of movies has to be the road movie. That journey you see is the simplest and best metaphor for long road trip we call life. So I thought I'd share a several of my favorite movies from the genre. In no particular order...

A Goof Movie: There's no stranger time in life then high school. You're in love with the girl from class that doesn't know you're alive, your a screw up and no one gets you...especially your parents. Which is why this disney movie is one of the best road movies I've ever seen.

Goofy tries to reach out to Max by taking him on a trip, preventing him from spending the summer wooing the pretty little red head girl. Along the way you find out that maybe your dad doesn't get you, but it should remind you of where you came from and that even though he's weirder than you, he's still a pretty cool dude.

The Sure Thing: John Cusack's love life is almost as bad as mine, but when he's given a sure thing with a hot california girl he decides to take the chance and treks across the country for it. Of course that's the destination, he finds himself on the road with that stuck up girl from class going through some mishaps.

Eventually they fall into that cliche that they might hate each other at the start, they fall for one another at the end and sometimes it's not the sure thing we want afterall.

Stand By Me: One of the greatest coming of age and road movies ever made, this was based off the Stephen King novel. Four boys learn about one of their classmates unfortunate death and go on a journey to find his body but take a big step towards growing up and learning some things just can't last.

Friends don't always last, but the friendship and memories stay with you.

One Week: One of Canada's best films, this movie really set my mood when I took off around the world. Joshua Jackson's character is diagnosed with cancer and spends the movie running away from it, and trying to find an answer in the form of "grumps" by riding a motorcycle across the country.

It's also a celebration of Canada as several icons, celebraties and locations show off the treasures and inspirations this great country gives us. It's sad, uplifting and poignant. Really, what would you do if you had only one week to live?

The Go-Getter: This is a great little movie that follows a young man trying to find his brother after tragedy strikes the family. He learns the story of life that everything you're looking for, want or expect aren't always what you want them to be.

Sometimes what you really need is going to find you. The destination isn't always what you expect, but when you arrive and that doesn't work out, there's always another journey to lead you on.

Eternity on the bus

Looking back at the end of my only real relationship, I see myself more of a transition boyfriend for her than anything else. I remember spending 20 hours in a 30 hour period on the greyhound just to break up with her.

The end itself was a long time coming I think, it started around Thanksgiving 2007. I had plans to get up to see her four hours away, but if anyone remembers the greyhound buses had gone on strike and I couldn't get up there. Well that's not true, maybe I could have done more, rented a car or found a car some way just to drive up and see her.

Yes that was crappy boyfriend move number one. I could have done more to have gone and seen her, but then again I don't remember if I had my drivers licence then. Mine had expired and it too me a couple years to get another one (Blog for another time).

I digress though, following that nothing seemed to be the same anymore because school got in the way and I wouldn't have been able to see her again, until we actually broke up face to face.

That year was one of the worse I had to go through from an emotional stand point, sadly I'm way too emotional for my own good, and it's a reason why I don't do much dating or tying to get romantically involved. When I'm in deep, I'm drowning in feelings but I've gotten better. Better in the way that I now have all kinds of walls to keep people out, more so then before I had a girlfriend.

I would spend a lot of time at my friend Maya's apartment staring at her ceiling wishing that the inevitable wasn't going to happen, and she would spend a lot of her time at her friend Shane's place. Our contact got a lot more sporadic and really wasn't sure what to say to her, most of the time it was something like...

“I'm sorry, I don't even know where I'm screwing up. I just don't want to feel like this anymore. All I want is for everything to go back to how it was in the summer.”

When the holidays rolled around it just got worse and worse, oh we talked on Christmas but there was just nothing there and then came New Years, she said she would call. Midnight struck, and nothing. All night I looked at my phone and morning came, nothing. Some time that day she texted me “sorry, I lost my phone last night.”

Yeah, I know.

Then came the morning after my birthday. We were talking and eventually it came out, “I don't think we should be together anymore”. My heart sank, and I was just empty. Here was someone I had put a year of my life into, and allowed to be my first girlfriend. Of course I shot back with a “well atleast you waited til after my birthday.”

Of course I wasn't having any of that, the breaking up from a distance that is. It took a couple of tries but I finally convinced her to let me come up and finish this the proper way. One thing I don't do is break up, or finish things over the phone, msn or over a distance. I'm the kind of person who needs to do everything face to face, I think everyone deserves that respect.

If you take the time it takes to drive anywhere and double it, that's the minimum time it takes a greyhound bus to get there. This was going to be the longest ride of my life, to this day it still is. How could it not be, you're taking a bus 8 to 10 hours to let a girl officially dump you in person.

The bus left at 5:30 that morning, to avoid an early wake up time I went and crashed at Maya's house for the night since it was just down the street from the greyhound station. I didn't do much crashing, just watching movies until I left.

The bus to Toronto felt like it took no time at all, but once I transferred to the bus heading north it felt like an eternity. We stopped at grocery stores and post offices in small towns I would never see again. I just wanted to get there as fast as I could, but the bus ride just kept getting longer and longer.

Eventually I arrived and made it to a motel just down the street from her house, all I could do was sit there waiting until she stopped by. It was only an hour until she got there and we both went back to her house, where she made me pizza and salad for dinner. It was feeling a lot like being on death row, having my last meal.

The rest of the evening at her house consisted of throwing the TV on, not saying a lot of anything and me just looking around, then back at her. No doubt it was uncomfortable, but I'm an awkward guy and of course the breakup just brought that up another level.

Most of the conversation turn to small chit chat, after establishing we were done. Of course all I wanted to do was ask her was what happened? What did I do? Why don't you feel the same way any more? Of course I just couldn't get the guts to ask anything.

We ended up back at my motel room, us laying on the bed and holding her for the last time, kissing her on her head and just waiting til she had to leave. I've never been so close to someone, and so alone and far away until that moment. The whole time I held her, she just feint sleeping and eventually she left and that was it. Our last night.

I texted Maya, that it was done. I finished my business. Then I slept the longest night of my life away.

Morning came, and my ex was coming back to drive me to the bus station. Before we did that I had a few hours to kill and she drove me around the city showing me everything, like I had shown her back home. I didn't eat anything all that day, I wasn't hungry but starving at the same time. She wanted me to get something to eat, as we walked through the mall. She was no doubt feeling guilty, and even tried to give me the sad puppy face. Of course that didn't work, I think that was the very moment that I stopped falling for that tactic from any girl.

I'm never going to let anyone guilt me into doing something with that expression again.

Everything was coming to an end, as we drove to the bus station. I can remember some of our conversation, though somewhat paraphrased below...

Her: I'm sad.

Me: Why?

Her: You're leaving, and I'm going to miss you.

Me: It's a little different this time.

There we were at the bus station, waiting so I could board. I hugged her goodbye, leaned in and kissed her one last time and jumped on the bus. I took my seat and could only watch her walk away and then drive away in her car.

The bus ride there was long, the bus ride home was an eternity.

You don't know how alone you really are until that moment when you're leaving everything you put your heart and soul into behind. That was the loneliest I've been in my life up to that point. I was going home to nothing.

Road Trip

Jack Kerouac's On The Road is one of mt favourite books and has had a huge impact on my outlook. It also instilled me with a wanderlust and romanticized view of life that I've never been able to shake. In part it was one of the driving forces that sent me around the world, but I still have a need to travel the country much like Sal and Dean.

I long for the summer, a car and the open road. A little company would be nice as well, but just like my trek around the world I can usually find some cool people.

It might be a little backwards going around the globe but you can't really see your own world if you haven't seen everyone else's. Other than Quebec and Ontario I haven't seen what else this country has to offer and I'm sure the other provinces are as foreign as Asia or Europe is to me.

Maybe that's what I need to break out of this doldrum.

I need to wake up in a car, in a new city.

Looking Back

I managed to find an old journal the other day, this one comes from roughly around 2003. I couldn't tell because I didn't date the entries and the book has seen better days. I hate dealing with the past so I tended to rip apart any journals, burn them or toss pages out. So it's always interesting to see what I was like when I was around 20/21 years old.

I opened the page, a little movement of the paper and there it was... your face. The way it will always be, a frame of a moment two years passed. A smile on both our faces, and a distance now between us. So what now?

A good memory of who you are...were...

Who I was or maybe should still be.

Beautiful.

You know that don't you?

What I have always felt and believed, just never muttered. Muted from saying anything. The time together I will always remember. You and I alone, wandering, maybe both looking for the same thing.

So why couldn't I say anything when I saw you again?

I guess the time passed and I could speak no longer. You were there within grasp, words ready to spill and carry towards you.

God, you're lovely...

but then it becomes another memory, fading from me again. I will see you again, no doubt. Maybe the time and moment I seek isn't as far away as I think.

I guess you can say some things never change.

An Excerpt

 

Room 406, Maya Hotel

Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

February 8, 2010

Can you hear a heart break a world away? I called Julie last night at around four in the morning. Half because I missed and wanted to hear her voice. The other half, I was restless, a little lonely and because I do care for her a lot.

That's why I wonder if she can hear me just break sometimes, knowing that I have these incredibly strong feelings for her, but nothing will ever come of it.

Here I am all the way on the other side of the world, longing and wanting someone I could never have, even if I was there. I really do wish, she sincerely misses me, because all I can do is stop and think of her time to time, city to city, and country to country.

Maybe it is all for love, to find something out here that I can't have returned back home. I don't know how long I can go through this, maybe it's just being alone far off. Kuala Lumpur would be a lot more fun with someone by my side. Like England was with Em. At least I'll have family waiting for me tomorrow, then Mike in Australia.

The future seems like it's taking forever.

Art I'm Inspired By

Edward Hopper

I love how he uses spaces to convey the sense of loneliness and uses multiple framing devices in each pictures.

John Register

I find John Register is able to create that same sense of isolation, but has a much cleaner style.

Time is the only thief we can't get justice against.  - Astrid Alauda

Work allows for a lot of thinking, and I know I'm not the only one who drifts into an endless stream of though when going through the motions. Then I realized it was lunch, next thing you know I was out the door and home.

Sadly today work went by fast as ever, but the longest hours of my day were spent at home alone with nothing to do, then I could see it...

Every single second, minute and hour of my life slipping by. Wow I didn't expect a year passing by do this to me, but it's brought me down. Last year I was globe trotting and soon it gave way to tireless hours of work. The drudgery keeps coming and there's nothing I do about it.

What am I doing? I'm doing nothing with my life, actually I've done nothing with it.

You can't live life in a job that you hate or have no passion for, hell the pay to answer phones and trouble shoot computer problems for people isn't even worth it. Then again I'm not a person with a master plan, I think that's one of the biggest problems I see today.

“What do you want to do with your life?”

If you ask me that is the vaguest question I have ever encountered in my entire life. We hear it as kids, and then again in high school and it just builds up from there. Not everyone is meant to be a doctor, and go through ten years of school, or should I say not everyone has the drive or dream.

The average person spends too much time living day to day, just trying to get by and you can see it on their faces.

In turn it makes each day a battle to do something worthwhile and try to do enough that you don't fall into the same line everyone else is standing in.

Time you're the coldest bitch I know, because you ride me. Rid me of everything I could, or use to be able to do, and then you take more away from me then any war, robbery, divorce or natural disaster because you leave me with only one thing at the end

...and it's almost as cold as you are... almost.

No Good For No One Now

Where did everyone go?

Honestly sometimes I wonder where everyone disappeared to. Truth be told, almost all my friends have gotten married started to have their families and moved elsewhere. Which makes being 29 kind of weird for me, because I have never moved past being twenty or so.

No I'm not immature or anything, but that life hasn't found me yet. I'd love to have it, but what can I say it's tough being in love with a girl that won't give you that.

Fact of the matter is I'm looking for that love that works both way, then I will happily surrender my inability to settle down and join everyone else.

It's hard for me because I'm afraid...

YES! AFRAID! Of women and everything associated with being in a relationship with them. So when I do find someone I am comfortable with and can almost, I did say almost express my feelings to them it doesn't work out.

It's harder too knowing exactly where my faults are and trying to fix them, and failing at that too.

You couldn't possibly give me an “F” because I would fail at that too. So I figure I should interview someone who would give us some insight into my shortcomings... myself.

1. How many girlfriends have you had?

Officially? Well one, if you don't want to count the one I had in grade school. My first real and only girlfriend came when I was twenty five.

2. Pretty sad, did you not date in High School? Between you and her, who made the first move?

No I didn't date in high school, but I did have a major crush on a girl for the last year and it did linger on, because she became the girl that I never could come clean to, and admit my feelings.

As for my ex-girlfriend, I put my hands down her pants... unsuccessfully, her belt was done up and I couldn't slip it in. She kissed me, so in essence I failed, and she had to right the ship.

3. Why didn't it last?

Beats me, it was the long distance I guess. The first and only girlfriend I had and she lived three hours away. So basically when you can't see someone you just disappear from their mind I guess, and the worst thing is she officially broke up with me on/the day after my birthday.

4. Would you say that's a reason why you fail at dealing with women?

No, it was well before her. Hell I doubted I was ever going to have a girlfriend. It did have an impact on me, but I've always felt I'm not good enough for anyone and really would never make a good boy friend. I have too many short comings and no confidence. So why bother approaching women?

I've got nothing to offer.

Well that's great, you're sinking this interviewer faster than I could have. Thanks for coming out today.

Wow. I am pathetic.

Ready, Set, 29...GO!

Here it is, my 29th birthday. 365 Days from now I will be 30 years olds, and this marks the official beginnings of my countdown blog, or as I already put it unravelling.

Well over half the day is gone and I have done nothing but taken a shower, which is always an important start to the day. I have a lot of things going against me for today...

1. Team Canada go for gold in the World Juniors Tournament.

It is Canada, and hockey is the lifeblood of this country. The fact is all eyes are on Canada trying to bring home the gold after being unsuccessful last year. This is almost the equivalent of having your wedding day as Prince William.

Much like most of their games, this is a cake walk victory for Team Canada.

2. Hump day

Ah Wednesday, everyone is tired and cranky by this point, just wishing for the week to be over. So I have fallen historically on one of the worst days to do anything because there is nothing to do, and everyone is just trying to get past yet another work week.

3. It's my Birthday

Last but not least, it was the day I was born and I have not had much luck on it. I've had a couple good birthdays here or there, but the rule of thumb is nothing will go write and I will get crapped on at some point today.

Birthdays to me have always been overrated, maybe because they are just glorified “me” days. I for one am not a “me” guy. What I love about birthdays though is the ability to gush and show your feelings and love towards your family member or friend who's special day it is.

I don't plan parties for myself, but I will be more than happy to plan something special for others.

Honestly I wish it could be someone else's birthday when January 5th comes around because I don't feel special, nor does my continual string of bad luck will no doubt continue.

But you never know. Things could change, and I can be optimistic...

When Time Stops

The worst I have ever felt.

In particular it had to be the moment that the girl who has my heart found another boy.

Rewind back to sometime in the middle of February, and I clearly wrote in my journal (Yes the one she gave to me) that I didn't want to end up with a particular guy. It was a bit of foreshadowing on my part I guess, for some reason I just sensed something there. Yes I was halfway around the world and the one thing I really wanted on my trip was for her to not end up with him.

Fast forward to a month or two after my trip, and everything I didn't want to happen... came to be. Talk about a dagger in the heart, that was the worst feeling I have ever felt and it wasn't a short time, that pain dragged on from the time I came back to now really, it just lingers.

I was tired, sick of being away and all I wanted to do was come back to her. Kind of twisted I know.

So when she ended up with him I just started screaming inside and didn't stop. I kept myself busy with three jobs so I couldn't think about anything at all. I just let it be, kept busy, miserable, but busy.

The moment that time stopped...

It was some summer evening, I don't know I lost track of time. I didn't care anymore and just wanted to keep busy and not let anything get to me...

And there she was, inside my bar (Job #2: Bartender). It was as if there was nothing else was around me, a faint light spotlighted her as she stood in front of me some distance away. My heart leapt, sunk and went a million miles an hour all at once.

Every time I see her I think she's the most beautiful girl in the world, but that one moment I didn't expect for anything to make my night worthwhile, but there she was, the one girl in the world that could make time stop on a dime. She was at a concert across the road with her new boyfriend (I never did meet him.) but made everything before that moment mute.

I know it's not much, but when everything is at it's worst it just takes a moment, one little visit to change everything.

She was happy...

I couldn't blame her for my bruised heart, she was happy and that was all that matter. I'd probably break his jaw if I had ever met him, just based on a few factors, but all I could really do was be happy for her and let everything be.

Not like I could change anything.

Then my heart broke a little more on an August afternoon. I was over at her house, and there she told me that they had broken up. He cited that he wasn't good enough for her, she told me what happened but more importantly she finally came clean that they had been together.

She already knew that I knew.

Come on, I'm not stupid.

I wish she wasn't sad about it, or had to go through that. Hell forget about my heart, I'd trade it for her to be happy, even if it was with someone I never wanted it to be.

I wish I could fix things, mend everything that needs to be mended. More importantly I wish I was the solution myself.

If I could, I'd make her happy.

Anywhere But Here (Part 3)

Fear.

It's not something I'm use to, but the day I left Malaysia it was all I could really feel. Try meeting your family for the first time and you'll have the same kind of trepidation that was plaguing me. Imagine having to spend a month among fifty or more strangers and not not having the ability to clearly communicate with them.

Other than the language barrier I was just plain afraid me and my family would not like one another. I've always been agitated by other Cambodians I couldn't communicate with, most of the time it's because they would just laugh and you'd expect they weren't saying the most pleasant things about you. What can I say, I know how some of them work.

I won't forget being on the plane, staring out the window and see the lush green rolling hills of Malaysia pass by, then nothing but ocean until it became nothing more than brown dirt. Cambodia was anything but clean, and lush as the country side of most other countries. Knowing the history of the country I couldn't help but feel bad that I've gotten off easier living in Canada since I was like two.

Most people wouldn't expect me to handle the food, customs and people well, especially by myself. However I proved to be pretty resilient over the month I spent in my home country. Truth be told I was born in a refugee camp in Thailand, so I've never set a foot in Cambodia.

What I learned most was that I was able to get along with my family, but I will admit I felt like a walking ATM some times. I didn't mind paying for food and accommodation for my family travelling with me, most times there was well over fifteen people at any given time. It was only natural to get closer to some family members than others, one of which I left my computer behind with.

I don't have a lot of personal belongings, but I felt like I was blessed with so much more than my cousins, so I didn't have a second thought leaving what I could behind for them. I'm just hoping it was enough.

This time leaving wasn't as bad, because there was a sense of love in the air from my family and knowing that up next I would have more friends to see, that I haven't got to be around with for years. So this time when I left I didn't feel lonely, my heart was a little fuller now.

Australia was one of my more brief stops, but I got to spend time with my old high school friend Mike who had gone to New South Wales to teach. My time with Mike was more a chance to catch up on sleep and recharge my batteries and get to be more of a traditional tourist, running around the opera house and eating kangaroo.

The time down under really flew by and soon I left yet another dear friend at the train station and was on my way to meet up with another “sister”...

What can I say about my Kiwi sista. She had come over to Canada as an exchange student, naturally when she was over at my house I thought she was visiting my actual sister. Little did I know, after a month or two after never leaving and just sleeping over... she had actually moved in for the remainder of her stay.

This is just a sign to how oblivious I am to things.

Honestly I doubt I even realized it until the day she had to go back to New Zealand. So after spending a few days in Auckland I was making my way to her family's farm in Te Puke. So there I was sitting on the couch when she came in, still as bright and smiley as ever. All she could say was how weird it was that I was there, after all it had been some years. Add in the fact I haven't really aged in sometime (if it could only stay that way) and it was sort of a time warp for her.

The next two weeks with her was some of the best I had just exploring as much of the north island of New Zealand, hiking, hanging out at the beach. She also introduced me to my favourite place in the world and there is no one better to be there with. Time to time it makes me sad that I can only replay it in my head, and not actually be running around there with her...

My favourite night was when we went out for dinner at a Cambodia restaurant in Wellington and saw Alice in Wonderland at an old fashion theatre. I was full, entertained and with the best company I could have anywhere in the world.

Sadly it all had to come to an end when I had to make my way to the south island...alone. Once again I was leaving another friend, I remember how naturally beautiful she was. Neither of us really made ourselves up, but its always sad to leave a pretty girl, especially another “sister”. The only bright side was that I wasn't leaving someone at a train station... this time it was by ferry!

Instead of flying over the water I was riding on it.

Once again I was on my own, but this time I was more ready then ever when I circled New Zealand's south island, and hung around California. It was late April, or early May I made it back home. As much fun as I had around the world, I was still missing a lot back home, and someone else... so eventually I was too tired to be away much longer and home was just a stones throw away.

Anywhere But Here (Part 2)

You don't know the true meaning of being alone in the world and free until you've started to put your foot in the earth and leave a trail you'll never find again.

I find out how blessed out I to have so many people in my life that I can call friends and family spanning every continent on this planet. What seemed so expansive before, just feels a lot smaller. I hadn't seen my “sister” Emma in some time, truth be told it was ever since she broke up with one of my best friends.

It was through him that I was able to meet Emma, they had a romance that cross the Atlantic, but it wasn't meant to be. I could think of a few reasons why, but for my friend it was his first meaningful relationship. The good news is he currently find himself in another one that seems to be heading in the right direction.

Like I said before, it had been years since I had seen her, maybe even a full year since we really talked but time never really seems to pass when I met up with her. Though I will admit it was a less than auspicious start because I had a brilliant idea to not sleep three days before England. Basically she walked into my hostel room with me passed out. Of course I woke up playing it cool like I knew exactly was going on... yep if you read the last post that's how I roll.

That night she decided she wanted to get me drunk and kept buying me beers, but I wasn't really over the flight yet and was pretty slow drinking. Needless to say I did not get drunk, but over the course of the next couple weeks I didn't have anyone else beside my dear sister who showed me as much of England as I could handle.

One of the saddest moments of my life was saying goodbye. It was an early February morning and we had to take that long bus ride back into the city. I counted the miles as they disappeared behind me, and then the foot steps became even shorter as we made our way to the train station. She would be off to school and I had a two hour ride on the tube to Heathrow.

The moment she disappeared my heart sunk to the pit of my stomach and I remembered what it was like to be absolutely alone. If that wasn't bad enough, I was getting more scared of what was next. I had no idea what to expect because the next stop was meeting the family I never knew. I was leaving a “sister” that was closer to me than any strangers in Cambodia could be.

Sitting in Heathrow alone waiting for six hours just to get on a plane almost broke me. Being alone and having no one to turn to, that's the worst feeling I have ever dealt with.

After a short time in China and Malaysia I was to make my next lengthy stay... this time in Cambodia.