When the world abandons you

It's been really hard to want to write these past days.

I'm sad, lonely and as isolated as I've felt in a long time.

I've gotten to the point where I feel completely abandoned by the world and everyone that I call friend or hold dear to me. I haven't really heard from anyone in a while, then again it's my own damn fault. It's always been this way, the more I'm abandoned by the outside world the more walls I build to keep more people out.

Why get your hopes up that you'll have anyone around you when all they do is abandon and forget about you.

It's not their fault.

I remember growing up I'd have more outgoing friends, but when it was time to get out there and do things I just never felt like it, ok that's a lie. I'm just afraid of being out there I guess.

I don't know if this feeling can get any worse.

A girl tells she's sorry she doesn't love you back...

There's no one around when you need them most...

What else is left?

You're alone.

The Weekend

It's pretty easy to fall behind with your thoughts, especially when you know one overpowers and encompasses your mine above all else.

I've just done my best to find more things to do so I don't have to think.

So Anderson Silva knocked out Vitor Belfort and the Packers knocked off the Steelers this Superbowl weekend.

I enjoyed being out at the bars with everyone watching the UFC fights, it really took my mind away from everything and I will admit the beers helped a little.

It's been a long time since I really had any steady training, but I also got back into the swing of things leading the first of many Sunday training sessions for some clients of mine. For me martial arts is just about having fun and passing on the knowledge, there's no need to keep it a secret or force people to shell out a lot of money for club fees.

If people are willing to learn, I'm willing to teach.

Don't get me wrong, I will travel half way around the world and put my hard earned cash down for the best training possible, but I'm not anywhere near being a master at any of the arts to force anyone to pay for what little knowledge I have.

All I really want out of it is steady training partners, friends and fun. Which I am more than happy to say I have plenty of.

Happy Birthday Dad.

Today just happens to be my dad's 51st Birthday.

We had a nice dinner, it was good because last year I missed his 50th when I was galavanting around the world.

So happy birthday dad!

Duckie...Duck...

Duckie played by Jon Cryer.

If there was any character in a movie that would be equivalent to me this would be it. Duckie is the oddball (best) friend who is in love with said best friend, in this case Molly Ringwald.

Most people would describe is as out there, or weird and I always find myself in the role of a friend longing for that girl that I can only joke about being with, or unable to say anything at all. There's not much more to say about it... I am the real life Duckie.

Well you could say I'm Duck Dong, but really I'm far from the stereotypical asian... I still wonder why he named the nerdy guys in sixteen candles after a mallard?

My Greatest Skill

I'm learning more and more each day my greatest skill is the ability to isolate myself from everyone else, and to build walls so high no one can look in and see me.

It's just who I am, I can't be changed.

Moments

My favourite moments are the simplest.

There was once a girl I went with, it was an early spring morning and we had spent the night together at her friends cottage.

She had to drive into a city up north to go to work. She was all dressed up and stepped close to me, ready to kiss me goodbye and I pulled her into me and we fell back into bed and I held her there, in silence and a soft embrace.

I didn't want to let her go.

There was another girl that I wish I could make mine.

She sat there in the mall waiting for me, I slowly snuck up behind her and took my place next to her. I slid in closer as she turns to me, and then she leaned in and we embraced. My head falling softly into the side of her face and I took in her sweet smell.

I didn't want her to let me go.

Weight on my back

Over the course of three months I had something on my back.

It was the biggest thing I could carry and it was strapped to my backpack, so I could feel the weight swing left to right with every step. Along the way it became annoying, but it would be too expensive to send home.

I'm not sure what possess me to buy the wooden lion sculpture when I knew I couldn't really carry a whole lot.

I guess I like the courage a lion represents, even though I'm still trying to find mine. It's a symbol of strength and I guess I needed something to push me forward with every mile I travelled. When I stare up at that lion all I can think of are the thousand of miles that disappeared behind me, the sun, the rain and everything else the world could throw at me.

I stayed strong, even if I was weak.

Before I left

I'm still lost on that day. A boy trying his best to tell a girl how he feels, but all I remember is my throat closing up, no air and an inability to get those words out that I wanted to say. Even in all my silence and my awkwardness you knew...

But I still said nothing, I always believed you deserved to hear everything everything I have ever meant to say.

I don't know when I knew.

I just did.

Though I'll never forget the first time I saw you. You walked into class, and the moment froze. All the girls I had known before you paled in comparison. You were the girl I was chasing that never existed, maybe never will.

Even if I don't know where I am when I wake up out there, i'll know exactly how I feel and how I've felt for so long now.

Remember,

I'd give up the world for you.

Raptors Game

So today I found myself at the Toronto Raptors game.

Let's just say it was a sparse and quiet crowd, the team is bad this year and they played pretty flat after the 76ers exposed their zone defense.

I was hoping it would get me out of my slump... no such luck and my slump is much worse than the one currently plaguing the Raptors.

76ers 107 - Raptors 94

They couldn't even pull off 100 points, to give us that suffered through the game a free slice of pizza. It would have made up for the slice that I dropped on my way to our seats.

Until I Find You

"The desire to never leave your side, the desire to never see you again. The desire to see your face asleep on the pillow beside my face and to see your eyes open in the morning when I lie next to you—just watching you, waiting for you to wake up." 

Until I Find You - John Irving

Nice B&W Photos

Five Things

Five Things I Strive For

1. To Be Loved

2. Treat everyone the way they should be treated

3. Never hate

4. Never hurt

5. Never show weakness

Deep Inside

I wonder what it's like for someone to want you... or need you...

I know I spend too much time alone.

I know I spend too many hours sad and lonely.

It's just something I can't avoid and will probably never be able to shake, only because I'm only ever able to feel a certain way once in a while. It's such a very rare feeling that I allow to take me over, to let any one person to hurt me at a level no one else could ever reach.

It's so much easier to leave the world behind, throw yourself into a canyon four hundred feet below or to have your face pummelled in a ring to deal with a real pain.

Once day I'd love to feel something different then pathetic, alone and worthless.

Is it so much to ask to get beyond these feelings and maybe have something returned.

Am I really not good enough?

What I know

"Once for all; I knew to my sorrow, often and often, if not always, that I loved her against reason, against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness, against all discouragement that could be. Once for all; I loved her none the less because I knew it, and it had no more influence in restraining me, than if I had devoutly believed her to be human perfection." 

                                                                                Great Expectations, Charles Dickens

Book Review #1

The Year She Left by Kerry Kelly is a story about underachieving Stuart Lewis who has just been left by his girlfriend and finds himself moving back in with his mother.

I really enjoyed the book because I could relate to the characters and situation being an underachieving slacker myself. There are some good comedic moments in the book and ones that can show off how cold trying to find love can be as well.

Imagine you're Stuart coming home to a dear John letter only to have your fiancee watching you just to see your reaction to the situation. You can bet he didn't take that too well, of course when you're life continues to nose dive things can only go right for your ex.

There's a good amount of balance between the comedy, drama and makes for a quick entertaining read. Definitely a recommendation from me.

Sushi

I don't hate fish. I dislike it though.

Today I went out with my friend Kristi who I haven't seen in a while. She's to go back to England for the fourth time in the last year. One year ago she left with me for England, and for her it turned out to be everything that she thought it would be and now has a grand love affair with England.

She suggested sushi. Now I don't eat a whole lot, but I've been known to grab some sushi alternatives at the sushi bar, however today I buckled down and sample things beyond my usual fare. I had actual sushi, everything from salmon to soft shell crab and octopus.

The worst of the bunch was the soft shell crab, the taste did not agree with me and I did gag a little.

Overall Sushi tonight left me full, but sort of unsatisfied since I wasn't really into it. Though I got some ice cream and carrot cake to take care of the unpleasant flavours. I won't turn sushi down, but I won't be the first to jump in line for it either.

It's a funny place to be in, an Asian that doesn't like fish. It's been that way since I was a kid, although when I was really young I ate it. Not sure what happened in that span, maybe it's just that fishy taste. The thing that really bothers me is the seaweed they wrap it in, some of the most distinct and strong flavours of any food.

I might sound picky here, but I really tried to expand my taste buds further tonight, whether you want to call it a success or not.

All I know is I survived my battle with sushi.

Worth Fighting For

I'm out of shape.

It's been quite some time since I really put any time and effort into working out or training martial arts like I use to, but I'm getting back on the horse now and starting to feel better physically. I'd say I'm one of the lucky ones because I never really fall out of shape for long.

Though three days in and I really feel the fatigue setting in, today I spent most of the day bed ridden and passed out.

I doubt I'm going to commit a full eight hours or more to exercising or training like the past couple years, but if it strikes me maybe I will build up to it and come out of retirement and take a fight. People don't realize how much easier that fight is than the one we battle every day in our lives.

People tell me that they couldn't do it, or would be too afraid. I think what we deal with every day is tougher then throwing fists into someone's face. Once you're in there, there's no other option. Throw a punch or get hit in the face. Every day life you have the option to not follow through or do anything. I see it all the time, a tough situation comes up and people just back down from it and ignore it.

Then again fighting in a ring or cage is a lot like life, once you're backed into that corner you either fight through it or just give up.

The worse thing you can do is give up the fight, some things... some people are worth fighting for...

Next In Line?

From turning 30 to engaged. Talk about a whirlwind 24 hours for my friend Sammy.

He would technically be the second of the boys who grew up together to get married. I wish him luck, and we'll see when they set the date.

Of course that will mean more eyes will be on me to find someone and get married myself. When I was visiting my family halfway around the world it was a constant for them to bring up when I was going to get married or find a sweetheart.

Well it's not easy for me, being as picky as I am. Ok that's not true, if I can get over myself an inability with women it'd be easier. It's always been expected of me to be the first one hitched with kids, once again I'm compared to other members in my extended family who already have two or three kids.

My brother has always claimed I would be married as soon as I found someone.

Isn't that true of anyone? If you find that one person you think is your future and your life then of course you're going to take that next step and celebrate your love, relationship and life together.

I don't doubt when I find that girl I won't waste too much time getting down on one knee, and then we'll have some kids running around. I'd love to had kids soon, and let my parents enjoy time with their grandkids but it doesn't seem to be in the near future... yet anyways...

So I'll keep waiting, and I know she'll be there...

Good Enough

I can't keep up with kids anymore...

Last night at my friends 30th birthday party I was surrounded by kids as far as the eye can see, well so it seemed. Everyone of them tugging at me and begging to lift them up and spin around, other than getting myself dizzy there wasn't much being accomplished then making them laugh and what more is there?

I also spent a good portion of time holding my friend's four month old baby. It's a little unnerving holding someone that small, but I'm reminded that when it comes time I'll be ready to hold my own. One of the scariest things for me is to hold a baby when they're so small and fragile, it's from years of being a klutz but I've yet to drop a baby, I highly doubt it'll happen but my fear stems from my over protective nature.

I'd do anything to protect my friends, family and child regardless of who's baby.

Though times like those makes me wonder when I'll find someone and settle down with, and have a couple kids. Then I remember that's it's not too likely to happen, after all if there's a bigger fear that I have then dropping babies or anything else in this life it's finding myself acceptable enough for someone else.

It's true I lack confidence, charm and the social skill set to land myself anyone. It always goes back to me never feeling good enough to be with anyone else, and really I can't believe anyone if they say I am. Honestly 29 years and only one girlfriend aren't really good signs.

Most of the time I just stop myself before it could even start. I'll see a cute girl not that far from me, I'll glance for a second then turn my head and just remind myself you're not good enough. There's nothing that makes you acceptable. I know it's not the best attitude, but it keeps me from being someone's failure and failing them time and time again.

Now it's so bad I don't think I can even offer any kind of adequate intimacy.

So I guess for now the thoughts of kids is far off.

Heck even the thought of winning a girl over, just to be something more than friends is a distant impossibility...

Five Road Films To See

My heart belongs on the road, I consider myself a free bird and hate to be cooped up for too long. I love going for long drives and just experiencing what's out there, so without a doubt one of my favourite genre of movies has to be the road movie. That journey you see is the simplest and best metaphor for long road trip we call life. So I thought I'd share a several of my favorite movies from the genre. In no particular order...

A Goof Movie: There's no stranger time in life then high school. You're in love with the girl from class that doesn't know you're alive, your a screw up and no one gets you...especially your parents. Which is why this disney movie is one of the best road movies I've ever seen.

Goofy tries to reach out to Max by taking him on a trip, preventing him from spending the summer wooing the pretty little red head girl. Along the way you find out that maybe your dad doesn't get you, but it should remind you of where you came from and that even though he's weirder than you, he's still a pretty cool dude.

The Sure Thing: John Cusack's love life is almost as bad as mine, but when he's given a sure thing with a hot california girl he decides to take the chance and treks across the country for it. Of course that's the destination, he finds himself on the road with that stuck up girl from class going through some mishaps.

Eventually they fall into that cliche that they might hate each other at the start, they fall for one another at the end and sometimes it's not the sure thing we want afterall.

Stand By Me: One of the greatest coming of age and road movies ever made, this was based off the Stephen King novel. Four boys learn about one of their classmates unfortunate death and go on a journey to find his body but take a big step towards growing up and learning some things just can't last.

Friends don't always last, but the friendship and memories stay with you.

One Week: One of Canada's best films, this movie really set my mood when I took off around the world. Joshua Jackson's character is diagnosed with cancer and spends the movie running away from it, and trying to find an answer in the form of "grumps" by riding a motorcycle across the country.

It's also a celebration of Canada as several icons, celebraties and locations show off the treasures and inspirations this great country gives us. It's sad, uplifting and poignant. Really, what would you do if you had only one week to live?

The Go-Getter: This is a great little movie that follows a young man trying to find his brother after tragedy strikes the family. He learns the story of life that everything you're looking for, want or expect aren't always what you want them to be.

Sometimes what you really need is going to find you. The destination isn't always what you expect, but when you arrive and that doesn't work out, there's always another journey to lead you on.