When the world abandons you

It's been really hard to want to write these past days.

I'm sad, lonely and as isolated as I've felt in a long time.

I've gotten to the point where I feel completely abandoned by the world and everyone that I call friend or hold dear to me. I haven't really heard from anyone in a while, then again it's my own damn fault. It's always been this way, the more I'm abandoned by the outside world the more walls I build to keep more people out.

Why get your hopes up that you'll have anyone around you when all they do is abandon and forget about you.

It's not their fault.

I remember growing up I'd have more outgoing friends, but when it was time to get out there and do things I just never felt like it, ok that's a lie. I'm just afraid of being out there I guess.

I don't know if this feeling can get any worse.

A girl tells she's sorry she doesn't love you back...

There's no one around when you need them most...

What else is left?

You're alone.

The Weekend

It's pretty easy to fall behind with your thoughts, especially when you know one overpowers and encompasses your mine above all else.

I've just done my best to find more things to do so I don't have to think.

So Anderson Silva knocked out Vitor Belfort and the Packers knocked off the Steelers this Superbowl weekend.

I enjoyed being out at the bars with everyone watching the UFC fights, it really took my mind away from everything and I will admit the beers helped a little.

It's been a long time since I really had any steady training, but I also got back into the swing of things leading the first of many Sunday training sessions for some clients of mine. For me martial arts is just about having fun and passing on the knowledge, there's no need to keep it a secret or force people to shell out a lot of money for club fees.

If people are willing to learn, I'm willing to teach.

Don't get me wrong, I will travel half way around the world and put my hard earned cash down for the best training possible, but I'm not anywhere near being a master at any of the arts to force anyone to pay for what little knowledge I have.

All I really want out of it is steady training partners, friends and fun. Which I am more than happy to say I have plenty of.

Happy Birthday Dad.

Today just happens to be my dad's 51st Birthday.

We had a nice dinner, it was good because last year I missed his 50th when I was galavanting around the world.

So happy birthday dad!

Duckie...Duck...

Duckie played by Jon Cryer.

If there was any character in a movie that would be equivalent to me this would be it. Duckie is the oddball (best) friend who is in love with said best friend, in this case Molly Ringwald.

Most people would describe is as out there, or weird and I always find myself in the role of a friend longing for that girl that I can only joke about being with, or unable to say anything at all. There's not much more to say about it... I am the real life Duckie.

Well you could say I'm Duck Dong, but really I'm far from the stereotypical asian... I still wonder why he named the nerdy guys in sixteen candles after a mallard?

My Greatest Skill

I'm learning more and more each day my greatest skill is the ability to isolate myself from everyone else, and to build walls so high no one can look in and see me.

It's just who I am, I can't be changed.

Moments

My favourite moments are the simplest.

There was once a girl I went with, it was an early spring morning and we had spent the night together at her friends cottage.

She had to drive into a city up north to go to work. She was all dressed up and stepped close to me, ready to kiss me goodbye and I pulled her into me and we fell back into bed and I held her there, in silence and a soft embrace.

I didn't want to let her go.

There was another girl that I wish I could make mine.

She sat there in the mall waiting for me, I slowly snuck up behind her and took my place next to her. I slid in closer as she turns to me, and then she leaned in and we embraced. My head falling softly into the side of her face and I took in her sweet smell.

I didn't want her to let me go.

Weight on my back

Over the course of three months I had something on my back.

It was the biggest thing I could carry and it was strapped to my backpack, so I could feel the weight swing left to right with every step. Along the way it became annoying, but it would be too expensive to send home.

I'm not sure what possess me to buy the wooden lion sculpture when I knew I couldn't really carry a whole lot.

I guess I like the courage a lion represents, even though I'm still trying to find mine. It's a symbol of strength and I guess I needed something to push me forward with every mile I travelled. When I stare up at that lion all I can think of are the thousand of miles that disappeared behind me, the sun, the rain and everything else the world could throw at me.

I stayed strong, even if I was weak.